The unexpected ones are supposed to be true. Now I believe in nothing. Holding only to memories. I thought you’re afraid to lose me. I thought you’re ready to take any risks. But you just let me do all the work. I was in denial thinking we’re both doing the work. I put you on pedestal and you loved it there. I am naive. I should feel angry, runaway, hate you, even attack you with hurtful words. But…what’s the point? I don’t want any regrets that’s why I’m still trying. I am being stupid for still wanting. I still want to believe that this is not the end. I just have a faint light in my heart…if you find it, l know you’ll blow it out…then it will be just darkness and everything is gone forever.
Everyone always says “you deserve better”. What is better? My definition is not the same as anyone else’s. what do I deserve? Someone that’s not you? Isn’t that what you said when you learned about my past? They all left because they are not like you? That I deserve you because you know me better than them? They don’t know how to handle me but you do? And now I deserve to be with someone better than you? It’s like a vicious cycle. Someone who can do more than you can for me? Someone who can hang out with me? Someone who can take me out on dates? Celebrate anniversaries, birthdays, special occasions? Really? Those things will define “better”? I think not. Yea it sucks everything is limited…time spent together…conversations…things we want to do together but so what? It’s not our time to do that. It’s not about my race or my history or my education or my work etc. it’s just time. You rush time it’s pointless. Am I supposed to look for someone who has time for me? What have you been doing then? Nothing’s changed you know. There’s more anger but when do we ever not separate angry at each other? None of us care about each other? If that’s true then why reply? Why see me? Why talk to me? Why ask about my day? Why should I ask about yours? Why do you think I still bother with you when I’ve told you what I’ll be doing by now after ending a relationship? Because you’re different. I am not convinced by your antics that this is the end. You’re not the type of person who gives up easily because it’s hard. This semester for you, 2 courses are raping you. You dropped out yet? No. You used to believe in us but then now since everyone else poisoned you, that’s all you see. But you tell me to stop being negative…who is it this time? Hmm?
I will not let my past define me. I made mistakes and I’ve learned from them. Treat me like a human being not some animal. Respect me just like how I respect you. What I think of you should only matter to you and what you think of me should only matter to me. No one knows about you and me and us except for the ones that WE see in each other, what WE learned from each other.
Just my rant…